Learning To Give Yourself More Credit

by Stephen Snow, M.A., N.C.C.

The world we live in can sometimes seem harsh. People can be critical or unappreciative of the things we do. But, surprisingly, we often are our own harshest critics.

Whatever the task, we may end up feeling that we fell short. And, no matter how many people tell us how great we did on a project or report or presentation, we really don't believe it.

Where others see success, we see failure. Where others see a job well done, we see flaws. We know we "should" have done better. Instead of being buoyed by other people's comments, smiles and back slaps, we feel like frauds. If people "really" knew us, they wouldn't say such nice things!

Facing life with such a critical attitude makes it difficult to find pleasure in our lives and accomplishments. The question, of course, is why do we do this to ourselves and what can we do to change it?

Counselors refer to the problem as "minimizing the positive. "It's also called "telescopic thinking." The reference is to the experience of looking through the wrong end of a telescope. Instead of magnifying what you're looking at, that view has the opposite effect of making everything seem smaller.

Many of us repeatedly take just such a view of our accomplishments. Something good happens and we look through the small end of the telescope and make the accomplishment smaller. At the same time, we tend to do the opposite with our shortcomings: we maximize them, or "magnify the negative."

There may be a variety of reasons causing us to be so critical of ourselves, but the bottom line is that it is an unrealistic view of life and ourselves, often caused by issues that keep us from being able to believe that we are worthy of the good things people say about us. This problem not only has us discounting positive things and magnifying negative ones, but can even can lead to a negative cycle of reinforcement where we sometimes do things that "unintentionally" trip us up so that instead of succeeding, we fail, proving to ourselves once again that we are not worthy.

But it doesn't have to be that way. A counseling professional can provide help for someone for whom this view of life is a constant and ongoing problem. There are also things we can do ourselves to help break that cycle of negative thinking. The following exercise may not work for everyone, but often can help you feel better about yourself and your accomplishments.
Start by taking a piece of paper, numbering one through five down the page, and then writing next to each number one thing you do right. These don't have to be things you do perfectly. You might write, "I work hard to be a good mother (or father)," or, "I really care about other people."
Take your time. No one but you ever needs to see this list. It might be hard to come up with five at first, but if you get rolling and have more than five, great! Write them all down.

Next, get out one of your credit cards. Trace the outline of the credit card on a piece of heavy paper and cut out the traced card. On one side write, "My Credit Card," and on the other side print the five or more things you do right.

Then put the card in your wallet or purse. During the next two weeks, every time someone says something nice to you and you feel yourself minimizing or discounting what is said, STOP yourself. Or, whenever you feel you have done something wrong or feel like a failure, STOP yourself. Then reach into your wallet or your purse, pull out your homemade credit card, and give yourself credit for what you do right.
That's all there is to it. Each time you look at the card, remind yourself that you do things right. As you remind yourself again and again, you should begin to feel a small, but growing sense of personal worthiness.

You might make several different cards over time and keep them all handy. The most important thing is that you regularly challenge your immediate unworthy or negative thought. As you do, you will start to change those thoughts and, in turn, your negative feelings about yourself.
Remember: with yourself, your credit is always good! Click here for your credit card.